Like I said before I am just getting started.
To be honest I am quite sad about all of this for one I don't know what to do about it. I have tried to talk to him about it but he just blows me off. Says all I do is complain. There isn't anything I like about him . Actually that is true. I don't like him anymore. He isn't normal, or down to earth, or ready to laugh at himself. If I do something wrong I laugh about it and shrug it off. If he does something wrong he doesn't admit it. If fact acts like he meant to do that and gives some off the wall reason for doing it. Very serious about it. No more do we have that closeness we use to have. Where it's okay to mess up, we don't care as long as we have each other it's all good. We no longer say things to each other to make the other one feel good about themselves. I always use to especially to him. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I do everything right, I don't but I would like to change that. I never get a compliment from him. I use to. You know about anything, hair style (now my hair is white and thin), outfits, making a good meal, just anything. Even when I ask him how does this look on me or what about this hair style or Did you like what I made isn't it delicious ?. I get nothing, maybe if I am lucky I will get, "Yea, it's fine," Have you seen the movie, "Hope Springs", with Meryl Streep. Well, that is my life. I love how she was able to change things around. It took some doing but she finally showed him how different their life could be And the most important part was.....He finally listened ! He understood what she was telling him and he wanted his life that loving and carefree as much as she did. I know, I know only in the movies, right? Yes, my husband and I did see the movie together and no nothing changed. It was almost like Jim was afraid I was expecting him to change and be like that and he wasn't having any of it.
What do we talk about......Jim talks about politics, the news, what happens when he's working. I know all about all his coworkers and the boss and his family. How awful his phone is (Sansome, need I say more). Now don't get me wrong I am interested in all that, I want to know how he feels about this and that but you see that is all we talk about. If I try to talk about us he clams up like he's a little boy in trouble. He body language is so apparent. Frown on face, jaw brought out and gritting, pulls back away and does not say a word.
I just get so sad. I have said to him....."Who are you and what have you done with my husband ? I would like him back as I miss him so.
Does that faze him ??? Not in the least. So I have to keep myself up. I use to get really sad and would walk around with a worried look on my face, be in a bad mood, not really enjoying life then I realized it really didn't matter to him how I was at all. He didn't try to make me feel better. In fact here is what he did one of the times we were having a fight. As usual I don't remember about what only that we were mad at each other. Well, he said he was sorry, at the time it really surprised me. But I thought, great now we are getting somewhere. Well later, maybe a few days or it might have been a week or two we are disagreeing and he states.....It really makes him mad to say he is sorry. Can you believe that ! Let me tell you if I could say "I'm sorry really sorry", and all this would go away, I would do it in a heart beat. Why can't it be like it was in the beginning, the sweet smiles, the tender touch, looking across the room at each other, the compliments, the sharing of something only each of you would understand, the closeness. Oh, how I miss the closeness. Someone to count on for everything, no mater what. All of that is gone !
I don't know now if I want to make it right. It's been so long since we have been close. All I do know is if we both don''t work at it together nothing will change between us. And that my friend is very, very, very SAD.
Until next time ;)
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